The trouble with me is… Part 2

Hey you, you beautiful thing!

As promised, here’s part 2 of my… erm ‘Me’ series, ‘The trouble with me is’.

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Last time I spoke more about the mental side of how I beat myself up daily. Most days without even realising.  On this post, I’ll discuss the body side, or physical… either works well.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we’re under a lot of pressure and influence daily.  It’s massively present in the media in which we read, or ‘gloss over’, on TV and of course on Instagram.  Not a moment goes by without seeing a hashtag #fitstagram #dietlife or #fitfam slapped on a post with perfectly sculpted/toned muscles, tans that make David Dickinson jealous… you know what I mean. And I would be a big fat liar if I said ‘I wasn’t jealous’ – I’m not jealous of their body shape (well, maybe a tiny bit) but more so their commitment to direction, something I lack massively and my dietary education had been messed about with, by foolish yo-yo dieting.

Dieting is where my problems mostly stemmed.  In a post I wrote for Kiki Blah-Blah (when I was in a slightly better place mind wise) I delved into the beginnings of how I came to know ‘I was fat’.

A n d  t h e n  c a m e  t h e  b o d y  p o s i t i v e  m o v e m e n t. . .

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I recall watching a documentary on Channel 4 (thanks for coming to Brum guys, we’re amazing here *wink*) on Yours clothing.  It showed the ins and outs of scouting for plus-sized models in an area awash with ‘normal or average sized’ models, and it was then that I witnessed this fabulous woman emerge on my screen.  Tattooed to the goddesses, hair beautifully auburn and enough sass and class to make me pee in my pants… well, knickers.

T e s s  H o l l i d a y  b e c a m e  a n  i c o n  i n  m y  l i f e. . .

Alongside Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland and Jessicka Addams, I now had another icon on my list and she was a plus-sized beauty!  This feisty woman spoke about the fashion industry, the changes that needed to happen, and then worked a photo shoot like no other.  It was at this point I began to look into the ‘Body Positive’ movement and what it entailed.

Popular misconception? ‘It’s only for bigger people’ It’s not at all! And whilst I am still learning daily in the subject of Body Positivity, there are some key things I know:

B o d y  P o s i t i v i t y  e m b r a c e s  a l l  s h a p e s , s i z e s , s e x e s , c o l o u r s , r a c e s , s e x u a l l i t i e s  a n d  r e l i g i o n s . . .

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It doesn’t discriminate.  Period.  I’ve understood that it encompasses an appreciation for all bodies regardless of what they look like.  Hairy? I respect you, Varicose veins? I respect you, Slim and toned? I respect you, Melanin on fleek? I respect you, curvy asf with tiger stripes? I RESPECT YOU.  The list goes on and on… but why couldn’t I love myself? RuPaul always preaches ‘If you can’t love yourself, how’n the hell you gon’ love somebody else?’ I always had a plethora of love to shower my peers with.  However I would beat ME up behind doors about it.

This post would soon end up consuming the entirety of the internet (think the IT crowd) if I listed my issues, but I’ll write some of the main ones.

I ‘hate’:

My hair, my arms, my nose, my crooked face, my teeth, my smile, my breasts, my stomach/belly, my thighs, my calves, my ankles, my feet, my toes… So… all of me yeah? Yeah.  

But why? Why have I programmed myself this way to self-loathe so badly? I guess my only answer is, life.

I was that fat one.  My thighs got likened to horse legs because of the curve they had on the top… my thighs always had met together since I was a child, then went their separate ways at the calves.  It didn’t look ‘normal’

But what the f*ck is normal anyway?! 

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This self-hatred I carried for myself tore me apart.  Shopping trips became nightmarish, my husband already knowing what would happen…

Zara finds a nice item of clothing, tries it on, it either doesn’t look good OR doesn’t fit over her awkward body, time to leave the shop in a foul mood, go home and cry.

And this would happen over and over again.

Oh it’s just a mum-tum it’ll go away!’

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It didn’t.  And that ‘mum-tum’? had existed since I was around 10 years old.  It wasn’t a bearer of babies under tummy, it existed because it was a part of me.  In all the sizes I have been that I have been aware of, that mummy-tummy stayed.  from 14 – 22 at my biggest, it lay there like a beached whale on my stomach, preventing me from wanting to wear anything nice,

B e c a u s e  I  b e l i e v e d  I  d i d n ‘ t  d e s e r v e  t o  w e a r  n i c e  t h i n g s .

Mean, isn’t it? It’s honestly baffling how my mind has done this, yet body positivity shone this light in the darkened cave I was trapped in, ways to see that these ‘media created imperfections’ were indeed, my life and I needed to love them before I could even attempt to move on.

I still learn daily.  2017 was an AMAZING journey of growth for me until an ankle injury halted my exercise regime and I gained a lot of weight (again) so now? 2018 is not a new journey, but picking up from where I left off.  Finding the little avenues to help me grab those crystals ala crystal maze and unlock those doors to inner happiness.  I’ve tried to adopt a more positive approach to life and even created my own hashtag ‘#workwhatyouown’ and began rolling with it… LITERALLY!

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Have I had trolls? Yep.  Threats of nasty things? Yep.  Do I care? Nope.  My life is for being happy, and it’s as simple as that.  I hope this time next year I can read back on this post and think who was that Zara being so mean to herself? I dare catch her saying this sheet ever again!

I better not catch you doing the same either!

BodyPosiPOWERRR!

x

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20 thoughts on “The trouble with me is… Part 2

  1. Oh my.. This brought a little tear to my eyes.. I have felt every single feeling you touched on here.. After having 4 kids I felt like nothing ever fit around this “mommy pouch” and I honestly felt ugly… I couldn’t hide behind clothes anymore because nothing fit anymore… I’m learning to be more positive and have started working out to change what I’m unhappy with for me.. Thank you for sharing your story.. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You do you babe! You have had a body which did an amazing job! It brought 4 amazing lives into this world. Each of those stripes on that tummy were made with love, pride, strength and of course growth – your babies will always love you and you them. Whilst we may look at ourselves and think ‘ew’ we forget how much it’s been through, I mean growing a baby is damned tough it’s no walk in the park is it?!
      I’m with you all the way babe, honestly! X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Proud of you girly! You are truly beautiful inside out! I am so glad you’ve shared this with us all. You motivate me to be better; to love myself as I am. Remember, your imperfections make you beautiful, they make you who you are. Remember who you really are and everything you entail. You are more than “thunder thighs,” wrinkles, and everything else a normal body has that the “ideal” body type pretends doesn’t exist. You are more than just the “bad” parts of you; you are the kind words, the smile you put on our faces and the other beautiful actions you do and give to others, you are a genuine smile, and best of all, you are the only version of you in this world. And you are Gorgeous!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And so are you babe. I’m honoured to know such a gorgeously strong woman inside and out who knows her mind, speaks it and can admit when she feels a little down in the dumps. I pray that in time the acceptance of people just living life for them will come, in the meantime I want to be here to show it’s possible to be respectful and love others regardless! ☺️💖

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know whether to smile or cry, if I’m honest! I’m on the edge of blubbering because I can relate a LOT but I’m so happy to read this at the same time. You’re sending me on a rollercoaster of emotions!

    I am so proud of you for writing this. You bring a great deal of light and joy into my world, and the world in general, and I hope you are, indeed, looking back at this next year, from a much better place. You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh babe! 😭 it’s tough. It’s been a tough life for most of us really, body shaming has a LOT to answer for, especially when it’s allowed beautiful souls such as ours feel like ‘damaged goods’ when in actual reality, we aren’t at all!
      I hope in time we all get to where we deserve to be. Loving ourselves, sharing a pool party with zero inhibitions on how we all look and having some damned FUN!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Love you so much for this post! It’s a subject so close to my heart having struggled for so long (mum had me on slimfast at age 9 and I’ve never had a healthy relationship since). People I work with are really hung up on my size but I say to them “I’ve hated my body for 27 years and that didn’t work for me so I’m loving myself unconditionally now, your issues on my weight are yours to hold but I’m not taking them on”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES GURL YES!!!!! This is the time for YOU! I hate this projection of what’s right for you from others. How can anyone achieve happiness by making someone feel low about their size daily?
      Slim fast is the worst isn’t it? I’ve tried so many diets that it’s honestly head shakingly embarrassing. And then came the ambassadorships for ‘skinny coffees’ which I soon kicked to the curb (and they didn’t help me much)
      It’s alarmingly easy to hate ourselves and hard to love ourselves in a world that plays on our insecurities all day long. But in time, and together, we can hopefully reach that goal babe! IM PROUD OF YOU! X

      Like

      1. Proud of you too Sugar, keep pushing and moving forward cos you’ve got this. You are the fiercest woman I know and just a general chat with you always leaves me feeling pumped up and ready to slay another day. You could honestly rule the world with that charissma so screw everyone elses view of “beauty” x

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my Zara this has smacked me right between the nose. I love the honesty & it felt like I was thinking & writing every word. You’re so relatable & honest. You are beautiful. I am not there with body confidence but I do need to look into being more positive. Thank you for this. You’ve given me a lot to think about.xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was hard. Real hard I’ll admit! But I’m glad it gave a moment of ‘hmm’ babe! – you know where I am if you ever want to chat! But if you have time definitely have a mooch into ‘body positivity’. It’s so uplifting what people write, feel, say… it’s honestly awe inspiring xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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