The trouble with me is… part one

The trouble with me is…

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Many things, I could be here all day listing differing things from the tip of my tongue.  However, as I said we’d be here all day!  So I’ll try to break these posts down into blocks.

Why this post? Firstly it’s going to help me, and I hope in turn others too.  We’re living in a world of constant influence, socially and physically. I’m going to bet that not a day goes by without you debating whether to double tap on some perfectly airbrushed image on Instagram, hearing an advert on the radio make gains from our insecurities, seeing an advert parading medias ‘perfection’ before your eyes… All of it leading to festerings of trouble within the mind.

For me, I have to break things down, or as I say: erase the clouds from my blue sky in order to feel the sun warm my soul.  So as people usually recommend writing this kinda ish down, I thought I’d blog it instead.

Let me start off by saying this, your feelings are not wrong.  It’s ok to feel these ways, it’s also ok to have days that feel like complete b*ll*cks.  It’s also ok to work that day out of your system.  Denying yourself emotional freedom isn’t healthy and I speak from heaps of experience.

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It’s ok to cry.

It’s ok to eat a tub of Ben & Jerrys to yourself.

It’s ok to slob in your PJ’s all day, make-up free, greasy haired doing sweet fanny Adams.*

I’ll admit I execute many of these most weekends, I’m quite lucky my kids appreciate a pyjama day now and again.

So, I thought I’d break these posts down.  The mental and physical sides of the damage I do to myself… and a reminder, that I am not alone.

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I over think things

Like way too often! What can come as an innocent comment to read begins a whole EastEnders like a script in my mind.  One where I will play out the various outcomes in my brain almost like a point and click adventure game.

I procrastinate every day

I can never say a solid yes or a no, the finality in the decision overwhelms me massively and I’ll usually be the person asking numerous other people ‘what do they think’ before making my own decisions, and eventually, I’ll push that situation to the side, ignoring it – Because I can’t make a final decision.

I beat myself up often

Know those memes of the person or dog in bed ‘When you’re trying to sleep but something you did 5 years ago is keeping you up’? That’s me.  I will replay and replay situations in my head and think of the what if’s – the damage here that’s done in these moments mentally, is vile.

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I don’t allow myself treats

Food wise? I do.  I eat emotionally, and it’s given me an absolute fight in trying to rid the weight my emotions have allowed me to consume.  However, I mean most other things.  Clothes, products, little things.  I will find excuses to deny myself everything, even when offered by loved ones – ‘No don’t bother/you don’t need to do that, it’s just me’ and from this follows…

I don’t know my worth

I simply don’t.  I’m humble and modest, from the ground up.  There’s a massive guilt factor in play when most things come my way, and it’s a horrid mindset.  Because it’s allowed me to deny many many things that could have been fantastic experiences.

I’ve begun to recognise the ‘troubles with me’ and well really, they aren’t like: ‘you’re wrong for being this way’ – it’s ok that I am this way because it’s allowed me to follow the path I have and be the person that stands and types before you today.

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However, I do need to know that:

I deserve to be loved

I deserve to be treated without feeling guilty

I deserve to cry and not feel bad for doing so

I deserve happiness

I deserve time for me

and

I deserve to heal in a way that’s best for me… not for others.

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I’ll leave it there for now! I do ramble!

But keep the sun in your heart and allow your rays to warm others, and remember –

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x

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Get social with Zara over on her Insta and Twitter channels – check out our FB page too if you’re feelin’ funky!

Images are authors own, However, cards used throughout are from the amazing I Can Cards creator Amy Holland, and you can purchase I Can Cards – here

‘You Got This’ Blogzine is by the fabulous Author Fiona Thomas, check out her Etsy page – here

 

 

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18 thoughts on “The trouble with me is… part one

  1. There’s a bunch of people who would like to thank you for writing this. I know it’s super rude to start with oneself but, firstly there’s me because it reminds me that I’m not alone in this. Then there’s all the people who don’t dare to speak out and lurk on the Internet, hoping for someone to help them feel less lonely. And then there’s you. As hard as it may have felt to write this, you are showing yourself some love and respect.
    Love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so so so SO much Kate. It’s taken a lot for these posts to be written I’ll admit but we totally should never feel alone. It’s one of the most horrid feelings ever, and knowing we’re all around willing to push each other on makes the whole journey worthwhile in the end ☺️ much love babe x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is such a beautiful post and can help so many people. We can relate on so many levels! I also don’t buy myself nice things because I often feel so guilty. Like I’m not worthy. And I over think pretty much every conversation I have with anybody. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us so deeply! It was a wonderful read. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kayla – it’s amazing how we trigger guilt over possessions. It’s massively stemmed from a self belief that we aren’t worth special things, and when we do get them we cling onto them dearly.

      Whilst it’s good that we take care of any treasures that enter our lives I think we really need to accept allowing ourselves little odds and sods (I mean I would even deny myself socks and sew up my old ones! Lol!)
      We are worthy of love and self love and hopefully in time we can all get there babe 🙂

      Thank you so much for the read and here’s to healing!🥂

      Like

  3. I related to a lot of this and that’s made me feel better (thank you), because you’re right, we’re not alone. Everyone deserves to know they’re worth, especially you, my love!!

    You’re bloody amazing and I admire you TONS for writing this because it’s a frickin’ hard thing to do xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We really aren’t, and thank you babe. It actually makes me somewhat happy to know I’m not alone, it’s also sad, because we don’t deserve to beat ourselves up in these ways!
      But together we can win the war of mental hangups, we really can!

      Massive love babe ❤️

      Like

  4. You are not merely a winner, you are a champion, a warrior, a fighter, a queen! Don’t be afraid to get on out there and shower the world with your sparkling magic.
    You have to drown out those little voices in your head telling you that you can’t do anything spectacular, because you’ll fail, or because you’re simply not good enough, and what on earth makes you think that you have what it takes? Pay no attention to this. Hear those voices and make it your mission to knock them flat out with your brilliance and awesomeness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much babe for that gorgeous beat down! We do need to give our negative Nancy’s a knuckle sandwich or two for sure!
      Here’s to getting out of the cave and into the beautiful wilderness! 🍃

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s amazing how many of us feel these ways isn’t it? It’s nice knowing I’m not alone, but also sad knowing that ‘me’ exists in numbers – and it’s not deserved. We deserve happiness at every corner we turn, here’s to both finding it soon babe 🥂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I am right there with you with pretty much all of these things. Once again, I just want to say how proud I am of you for writing this, because I know it’s hard. I know it’s difficult to lay your cards on the table because when you see it there in black and white, it feels so real; so unavoidable.

    BUT, I want you to know, as I’ve told you before, you are somebody who has a personality which shines through. It glistens in your Insta stories and glows in your tweets. You can tell you have a good heart and a genuine care for others. I think this is something we both share – we are so busy looking after everyone else that we forget to do it for ourselves, too.

    I bet you’re a fantastic wife and an incredible mum, even on those days when you don’t think so. In fact, especially on those days. Because, sure, you might do it in your pyjamas, but you’re still there, still trying your best.

    From experience, I know nothing I write will make you feel better in the long run but, if for the next five minutes, you feel like the QUEEN you are, then we’re doing alright.

    Keep your head up, chick. If I’ve learnt anything about you over the past month or so, it’s that you might have been knocked down, but you won’t stay there. I can’t wait to see you come through the other side, and I’ll be there, every step of the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Ruth thank you so so much. I did feel anxious, massively posting this! And it makes me happy to know that I’m being seen for who I am in the media!

      We’re all queens in our own right (and kings!) it takes some time getting to recognise it, but we truly well are!

      And the same for you too – I’ll be here!

      Massive loves x

      Liked by 1 person

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