The trouble with me is…
Many things, I could be here all day listing differing things from the tip of my tongue. However, as I said we’d be here all day! So I’ll try to break these posts down into blocks.
Why this post? Firstly it’s going to help me, and I hope in turn others too. We’re living in a world of constant influence, socially and physically. I’m going to bet that not a day goes by without you debating whether to double tap on some perfectly airbrushed image on Instagram, hearing an advert on the radio make gains from our insecurities, seeing an advert parading medias ‘perfection’ before your eyes… All of it leading to festerings of trouble within the mind.
For me, I have to break things down, or as I say: erase the clouds from my blue sky in order to feel the sun warm my soul. So as people usually recommend writing this kinda ish down, I thought I’d blog it instead.
Let me start off by saying this, your feelings are not wrong. It’s ok to feel these ways, it’s also ok to have days that feel like complete b*ll*cks. It’s also ok to work that day out of your system. Denying yourself emotional freedom isn’t healthy and I speak from heaps of experience.
It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok to eat a tub of Ben & Jerrys to yourself.
It’s ok to slob in your PJ’s all day, make-up free, greasy haired doing sweet fanny Adams.*
I’ll admit I execute many of these most weekends, I’m quite lucky my kids appreciate a pyjama day now and again.
So, I thought I’d break these posts down. The mental and physical sides of the damage I do to myself… and a reminder, that I am not alone.
I over think things
Like way too often! What can come as an innocent comment to read begins a whole EastEnders like a script in my mind. One where I will play out the various outcomes in my brain almost like a point and click adventure game.
I procrastinate every day
I can never say a solid yes or a no, the finality in the decision overwhelms me massively and I’ll usually be the person asking numerous other people ‘what do they think’ before making my own decisions, and eventually, I’ll push that situation to the side, ignoring it – Because I can’t make a final decision.
I beat myself up often
Know those memes of the person or dog in bed ‘When you’re trying to sleep but something you did 5 years ago is keeping you up’? That’s me. I will replay and replay situations in my head and think of the what if’s – the damage here that’s done in these moments mentally, is vile.
I don’t allow myself treats
Food wise? I do. I eat emotionally, and it’s given me an absolute fight in trying to rid the weight my emotions have allowed me to consume. However, I mean most other things. Clothes, products, little things. I will find excuses to deny myself everything, even when offered by loved ones – ‘No don’t bother/you don’t need to do that, it’s just me’ and from this follows…
I don’t know my worth
I simply don’t. I’m humble and modest, from the ground up. There’s a massive guilt factor in play when most things come my way, and it’s a horrid mindset. Because it’s allowed me to deny many many things that could have been fantastic experiences.
I’ve begun to recognise the ‘troubles with me’ and well really, they aren’t like: ‘you’re wrong for being this way’ – it’s ok that I am this way because it’s allowed me to follow the path I have and be the person that stands and types before you today.
However, I do need to know that:
I deserve to be loved
I deserve to be treated without feeling guilty
I deserve to cry and not feel bad for doing so
I deserve happiness
I deserve time for me
I deserve to heal in a way that’s best for me… not for others.
I’ll leave it there for now! I do ramble!
But keep the sun in your heart and allow your rays to warm others, and remember –
Images are authors own, However, cards used throughout are from the amazing I Can Cards creator Amy Holland, and you can purchase I Can Cards – here
‘You Got This’ Blogzine is by the fabulous Author Fiona Thomas, check out her Etsy page – here